Mother’s Day – how to cope if social distancing prevents you from seeing your Mum

As we brace ourselves for a Mother’s Day without family reunions, high teas or shopping and movie dates this year, it’s important we assess the extent of the impact on those who can’t be near their parents, especially those with ageing parents who may live in an aged care residence or other respite centre. You see, Mother’s Day isn’t just a day to buy flowers and say thank you; it’s a moment in time; a tradition; a bond; and in 2020, the pandemic has taken this away from so many people.

When you take away the chance for connection for the son or daughter who doesn’t see their ageing mother often due to living away or family commitments, you don’t just take away a day. You take away an experience and an opportunity to create new memories, and this can manifest into feelings of loss, grief, anxiety and guilt.

Loss, grief, anxiety and guilt in a Mother’s Day pandemic

Being away from our family on a day where we are meant to cherish each other’s company, having to cope with the loss of a loved one, not being able to visit relatives, or the mere fact of having to hold back a hug, can have a profound impact on our wellbeing.

This year, it won’t be uncommon for grown adults to feel grief or a sense of loss by not seeing their mother on the one day that celebrates all they have done for you. I personally have lost my mother and would do anything to have her back, but I wouldn’t wish this scenario on anyone, especially for those with particularly ill or frail mothers, where their passing is imminent. Imposed restrictions on spending precious moments with Mums who may not see another Mother’s Day could cause guilt, anger and anxiety, and this is a burden that won’t just last a day – it can last for years.

The impacts of guilt or anxiety can domino into physical complications like poor immunity, lack of sleep, increased blood pressure and laboured breathing, or other mental illnesses such as depression if left untreated. It’s important not to downplay your emotions, as this sense of loss and playing out ‘what if’ scenarios in your mind can rival the same feelings as those who will be experiencing Mother’s Day when their Mum has passed away.   

Controlling what you can control

While we cannot control what happens externally in our lives, it is important to remember that from now (and probably for a while), almost all aspects of our lives will be affected. Remembering that the way we act and think directly affects how we feel and behave, we can take steps toward feeling in control, and that in turn can help us manage our mental health as best we can. 

This year, instead of traditions and family reunions, it’s time to think outside the box. Adversity breeds creativity, so I encourage you to try not to dwell on the ‘can’t dos’ and instead focus on the ‘can dos’. We still have ways to connect thanks to the power of technology.

7 Ideas for celebrating Mother’s Day if you can’t be together

1. Email, post or hand deliver a card made from her grandchildren – photos and scrapbooking are wonderful ways to get the kids involved and give Mum something beautiful to look at
2. Follow a recipe together over Facetime if your Mum can cook or bake in her residence
3. Schedule a treat for post-isolation and support a local business at the same time with a gift voucher to a show, event, spa or high tea that will put a smile on Mum’s dial
4. Write her a letter expressing your love and gratitude – journaling and letter writing is highly cathartic
5. Create a photo album timelining your lives together, from birth to now. Keep this one physical – as much as we all love technology, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of flipping through a photo album and strolling down memory lane
6. Have her favourite flowers delivered
7. Create a playlist of her favourite music – music is a conductor of connection

 

It’s really is important to stay connected with loved ones where you can – for your own mental health and theirs. We may be unlucky that we are living in a pandemic of such distress, but we are very lucky to be experiencing this in a world that is so connected through digital platforms. Whether it’s a phone call, Facetime, Zoom link or sending an emailed video or card, there’s no excuse this year to let social distancing distance you from your Mum emotionally.

If you start to feel anxious, guilty, upset or frustrated this Mother’s Day, please look after yourself first and foremost. Practice affirmations to ground you, start a journal to express your feelings and ask for support from friends, family or a counsellor if needed.

This year is going to be different; we cannot change this. We just need to remember that difference is not necessarily a bad thing and that sometimes it gives us the chance to open doors to new opportunities.

How can you make Mother’s Day 2020 one to remember (for the right reasons!)?