Signs you are in a domestic violence relationship and qualified counselling tips for how to cope if you are.

Whether you are worried about your own relationship, or looking for signs that you’ve noticed in a friend, colleague or family member, being informed about domestic violence is the greatest power you can have in dealing with it and eventually, overcoming it.

Unlike a ‘normal’ relationship, where two people treat each other with respect and as equals, domestic violence relationships are about power and control. As long as the abuser believes they have the power in the relationship, they believe they can control their partner and the finances, friends, clothing and sex that comes with that.

It’s easy from the outside to say ‘just leave’, but the abuser’s control extends to their partner’s mind and thoughts. Through a range of tactics including physical abuse, social and financial isolation and derogatory comments, interspersed with subtle messaging of belittlement and degradation, abusers slowly knock down confidence and esteem in their partner, to the point where leaving seems harder than staying. Even if everyone around them is saying the opposite.

 

Common signs of domestic violence in relationships

Social Isolation

It’s harder to control a partner when they have outside influences reminding them of their true worth. That’s why one of the early signs of domestic violence is to isolate them from friends and family. It may be a physical move away from support networks, or slowly forcing them to quit the gym, avoid catching up with friends or avoid using social media. Abusers introduce isolation slowly, questioning friendships, controlling where they go and deciding who they can and can’t talk to.

Coping tip #1 – If you know or suspect someone in a domestic violence relationship, keeping in touch regularly with them is essential to helping those suffering from abuse know that someone will always be there when they need them. And if you’re in a relationship promoting this sort of isolation, find ways to stay connected with friends and family – join in workplace lunches, befriend your colleagues, get to know the parents of your children’s friends and stay in touch with family by text, messages or email. Even if it means deleting the evidence for your safety.

 

Sexual Abuse

Sex is healthy in a relationship when it’s consensual and loving. In domestic violence relationships, an infatuation with sex can be thrilling at first, when hormones are raging and sex demonstrates desire. As abuse in the relationship starts cementing itself further, sex can become less about want and yearning, and more about the need for control. Individuals who have identified themselves as being at the hand of an abuser, often say sex is demanded by their abusive partner, even when they are sick, sleeping or injured, and the love is removed. Sex becomes a chore and even something to dread.

Coping tip #2 – The first thing to know is that non-consensual sex is illegal, even in relationships. If you are not in a position to leave the relationship right now, you can speak to a counsellor about ways to interact with your partner to try for a reprieve from forceful sex. Make sure you find a counsellor who, like me, specialises in abuse and trauma counselling. We can help you identify your partner’s triggers and find ways to minimise these occurrences. Gaining back control, no matter how small, is the first step to overcoming your abuse.

 

Emotional Abuse

Domestic violence isn’t just physical abuse. If your partner is calling you names, threatening you, treating you like a servant, questioning your choice of clothes and making derogatory comments, you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, which is a form of domestic violence. If you have children or pets, these will become pawns in an emotional rollercoaster, preventing you from standing up to your partner out of fear for their safety.

Likely, your partner also says you are special, beautiful and made just for them. These are used strategically, when they know you are resenting them or when they are worried you might talk to people about the relationship. This is called indoctrination or brainwashing, confusing you with their mixed messages.

Coping tip #3 – Have a go-to list of traits that make you special and amazing. Find a quiet place of calm, and write down your assets, starting with “I am” or “I have” in a notebook or on your phone so that you can refer to your very own positive words when you need them. Aim for ten attributes – think about writing down such characteristics such as “I am smart / funny / a great friend / strong willed / a loving mother” or “I have a great smile / a love for animals / courage / a bubbly personality”. Make them unique to you.

Affirmations are also particularly useful in reminding you that you are more than your partner’s words, especially if you are also isolated from friends and family. Daily apps or emails can help you focus on positive words instead of the hurtful words you can’t escape at home.

 

Economic Abuse

Abusive partners like to have control over the finances, as money gives their partner freedom that goes against their opportunity to control.  Financial control can be in the form of making their partner ask for money, preventing them from seeking or keeping a job, restricting access to bank accounts, justifying all purchases and refusing to work or contribute financially to the running of the household.

Coping tip #4 – Money is helpful to have up your sleeve, especially if you are considering leaving an abusive relationship and moving away. But firstly, you need to know you do not need a secret stash of cash to leave a domestic violence relationship. In Australia, we are blessed with a range of support services to help individuals leave their abusive partners without the financial burden. From banks offering a reprieve on paying back loans and potential superannuation claims, to the dedicated domestic violence support organisations and friends and family who can support you during recovery, you can move forward in life without a savings account.

While you’re in the relationship though, take any chance you can to treat yourself, even if it’s spending a few dollars on a sweet smelling body lotion or a new lipstick. Treating yourself reminds you that you’re special and worthy of love and attention.

 

Physical Abuse

When someone is hit, choked, slapped, pushed or threatened with a weapon by their partner, this is often the first time people start considering their partner might be abusive – even if all the other signs have been evident for a while. Physical abuse for the first time can shock and disorient a person. It’s not expected in loving relationships, which is what domestic violence perpetrators have their partner believe they are in – at first. It’s not uncommon for the first few times for the abused partner to fight back verbally or physically, while their self-worth is still strong and they know the difference between right and wrong. But after time, the physical abuse gets stronger, as the abuser asserts dominance and power. It usually gets to the point where the person being hit, strangled, shoved or pushed finds it less forceful and therefore easier to cope with, if they cower and ‘put up’ with it.

Coping tip #5 – if your work colleague, friend or family member starts covering their body with turtlenecks, long sleeves, scarves and long pants, particularly when this is out of season, this could be a sign they are hiding bruises, strangle marks, cuts or burns. If you notice this, don’t let it go unnoticed. While the answer you get will probably be along the lines of them running into the door, tripping over or burning themselves cooking, your question will show the abused that they are noticed, and cared for.

If you are experiencing physical abuse from your partner, and you can’t permanently leave the relationship right now, consider ways to remove yourself from the abuse in other ways. If you know the triggers, try and avoid these if you can. If the behaviour is erratic, can you stay at a friend’s place or spend longer taking a bath or getting the kids ready? This is another area where immediate counselling can help you identify and understand domestic violence and provide strategies to help you cope and move forward.

 

Domestic violence counselling

If you are experiencing domestic violence or abuse of any form in your relationship, counselling helps to understand your feelings of confusion and helps to explore ways to cope in the interim, and move on if you choose to. You may not want to leave the relationship, and may just be looking for strategies to help improve your partner’s behaviour, which is normal. Counselling sessions won’t force you to leave. Instead, a good counsellor will get you to question the behaviour in the relationship and help you see what an ideal future looks like. We will focus on you, and your goals and dreams, and throughout that process, we will build your confidence back up so you can make informed decisions. Because as long as you are in a domestic violent relationship, someone else is in charge of your life, and your future.

 

I specialise in abuse and trauma counselling. I encourage you to email me  colleen@new.lifestylecounsellingservices.com.au today for a confidential consultation.