Grieving Your Mother on Mother’s Day

The second Sunday of May is Mother’s Day.  If you have a Mother, this can be a special day to show her how much you love her and appreciate her.

 

But what if your Mother has passed away, or you are struggling to become a mother yourself, or as a mother, you have lost a child?  For each of you, Mother’s Day can be an extremely painful and difficult day.  It will be a day of grief, sadness and loneliness.  There is a piece of you that is missing and this day reinforces that loss.

 

This is my fourth Mother’s Day without my Mum – she passed away nearly five years ago and while the various milestones – her birthday, Christmas and Easter – are difficult each year since her passing, Mother’s Day is still the most difficult for me.

 

I’m writing this just after Easter, and I’ve already noticed that Mother’s Day is the next “marketing” thing to hit the television and catalogues.  Every TV ad has something about Mother’s Day and every catalogue that is pushed into my letterbox is about Mother’s Day.

 

I used to love Mother’s Day.  I looked forward to shopping for a present for my mum, baking some morning tea treats for her and then sitting with her on the day having our own high tea at home – drinking tea, eating cake and laughing.  Whenever my Mum and I were together we always had a “proper” cup of tea (nice teapot and cups and saucers) and cake together.  While I still find Mother’s Day difficult, I will still have my own special morning tea in memory of her.

 

Tips Leading Up to Mother’s Day

So, what do I do leading up to and on the day?  I prepare myself!.  I know I need to look after myself leading up to, and on Mother’s Day, and do whatever I need to do to get me through the day.  If you are dreading the lead up to Mother’s Day and the day itself, may be what I have done in previous years, may help you get through this difficult time as well. 

 

• Over the next couple of weeks, I always sit with tv remote in hand ready to change stations whenever the Mother’s Day ads come on. When the catalogues arrive in the letterbox, I don’t look at them – they go straight into the recycling bin.

 

• I prepare myself for what to do on the day itself. I generally stay at home and keep busy.  For me, there is no point going to the shops, cafes or even the beach.  Everywhere families are celebrating with their mothers and that just reinforces what I am missing.

 

• I visit the cemetery where she is buried and lay some flowers on her grave and just sit with her. I normally do this the day before Mother’s Day as I have found visiting on the day itself more upsetting as there are lots of people doing the same thing.  But do what you feel comfortable doing.

 

• Do something that would honour your Mum, for example, if she was a gardener, or even if she wasn’t but she loved being surrounded by beautiful flowers, plant something in her honour. That way as you watch the plant grow, you will think of your Mum.

 

• Consider using the money you would normally spend on her to donate to your Mother’s favourite charity.

 

• Do something that you and your Mum enjoyed doing together – whether it was going for a walk, going to the movies – anything at all. For me that is having a special morning tea.

 

• Spend time in a place that was special to your Mum and where you will feel close to her.

 

• Spend some time looking at photos of her or go through items you have from your Mum such as her jewellery, her craft etc.  Perhaps you may find a beautiful photo of your Mum that you can get framed and put up on the wall so you can see her every day.  This can all be very difficult to do but it can also be very cathartic.

 

• Write a letter or card to your Mum and express your feelings there. This doesn’t have to be shown to anyone but writing your feelings down can be very therapeutic.

 

Tips To Get You Through The Day Itself

Sometimes doing something can be difficult and you may find it easier to simply do nothing.  That’s ok!  If you do, here are a couple of suggestions to help you leading up to the day and on the day:

 

• Turn off the TV and radio. If you don’t you will be bombarded with Mother’s Day advertising and the morning shows always make a big deal of Mother’s Day (as they should).

 

• Plan a constructive and time consuming day on the Sunday. Turn on your favourite music, clean out your wardrobe, do some gardening, do an early spring clean of your house, do the ironing – anything that will keep you busy and make the day go quick.

 

 

My Mum, like all mums, was not perfect but she was my Mum.  She may be gone but she lives on in my heart and my memories every day.  I keep her memory alive by sharing her stories, remembering the silly things she said and did, having a positive attitude, being the person she wanted me to be – a strong and independent woman – and living up to the values and morals that she instilled in me.  In all these ways, I believe I am honouring her.

 

This Mother’s Day, remember the special moments you shared with your Mum, remember what you loved about your Mum but also remember to look after and love yourself.  Also, remember whatever you decide to do, it is ok to feel sad and it is ok to cry.

 

 

If you are grieving the loss of your mother and struggling in the lead up to Mother’s Day, I hope these coping strategies will help.  If you need to talk to someone, email me at colleen@new.lifestylecounsellingservices.com.au