How to improve your relationship using the 5 Love Languages
Do you know your partner’s love language?
Do you sometimes feel like you show more affection toward your partner than they do for you? Does your partner shower you in flowers and gifts after an argument, but all you want is a verbal “sorry” from them?
While love is universal, we all feel and express it in different ways, and understanding those differences is one of the simplest ways to improve communication and intimacy in your relationship.
There are five fundamental ways we express or experience love, called the “love languages” which was coined by relationship counsellor Gary Chapman in his bestselling book Five Love Languages.
By learning each other’s love language, whether it be in an intimate relationship or with family members, friends and work colleagues, as individuals, we can express affection and gratitude, not in the way we might think reflects this, but in the way the other person best receives this message.
Take my example above. Television, movies and even some florists all tell us to “say sorry with flowers” so a husband or boyfriend might think they are doing the right thing by coming home with flowers after an argument. This is his way of saying sorry.
In his eyes, the partner receiving this should welcome this gesture and see it as a sign of sincere apology.
But if the partner’s love language is words of affirmation, then it’s not going to be received as intended, because their idea of showing love and affection is expressing it through words. They would appreciate a hand-written card or a conversation instead. Because the apology hasn’t yet be shown in the way they receive it, they can feel it hasn’t been said at all, adding fuel to the fire. In turn, this can leave the man who bought the flowers feeling confused and unappreciated.
Sound familiar? This is why learning your love languages is essential in a relationship. Because the reality is, in some relationships, showing love through flowers WILL be appreciated!
The 5 Love Languages
Words of Affirmation – expressing affection through words such as written love notes or through spoken praise, compliments and words of appreciation
Acts of Service – actions, rather than words, are used to show and receive love. Doing something for your spouse that you know they would like, such as cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors are all acts of service
Receiving Gifts – gifting is symbolic of love and affection
Quality Time – expressing affection with undivided, undistracted attention, such as taking a walk together or sitting on the couch together while talking and listening with the TV off
Physical Touch – this can be as simple as holding hands and hugging to demonstrate affection
Speaking the love languages in your relationship
Out of the five categories, we each have one or two primary love languages which resonates stronger than the others.
The basic concept of the Love Languages is fairly simple: knowing what makes you and your partner tick. When you know, you can communicate this, and when you communicate this, you can each act on the information.
One person’s idea of love is different from another’s, and to show love is to show it in a way that means something to your partner, not what you think it should be. Discovering each other’s love language and speaking it regularly with your partner is the best way to keep the spark alive in a relationship.
Schedule a couple’s appointment where we will assess your Love Languages and openly discuss what it means to you. You will walk away with a commitment to express love the way the other best feels it, even if it feels strange or untrue in delivering it!