Grief – Are you Grieving a Loved One?

Have you recently lost a loved one and struggling with your emotions?  This can be an extremely difficult time so I hope that the following information will help you to understand your emotions and how they can affect you.

 

The grieving process is your way of coming to terms with what has changed in your life.

 

There is no set time period for grief.  Grief can last a few weeks, few months or a few years and how each person grieves is different.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve so rest assured that whatever you are feeling now or in the future is NORMAL.

 

Also, EVERYONE GRIEVES DIFFERENTLY.  Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and be outwardly emotional. Others will internalise their feelings and may not cry.

 

Grief will affect each person differently as everyone grieves in their own way. Just remember that there is no right or wrong way. The grieving process takes time and healing is gradual.

 

Men and women also generally grieve differently.  While women seem to grieve more through talking and crying, men grieve through thinking and acting.  So you should try not to judge how you are grieving, as each person will do it differently.  

 

5 Stages of Grief

There are 5 stages of grief: 

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

These stages of grief don’t occur in any specific order.  You can flip in and out of each one and each stage can last a short or a long time and some stages you may not go through at all.

 

The key to understanding the stages is NOT to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order.  It is much more helpful to treat them as guides in your grieving process.

 

DENIAL

• State of shock and denial
• Numbness
• Denial helps us to cope with the loss.
• The world becomes meaningless and overwhelming.
• We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on.
• We try to find a way to simply get through each day.

 

The first reaction to learning about a death is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalise our overwhelming emotions.

 

This stage is nature’s way of letting us handle only as much as we can handle.

 

ANGER

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process and is just your pain.

Be prepared to feel angry as the more you feel it the more you will heal.

You will be angry at many things – friends, family, yourself, even the person who died.  Rationally, we know your loved one is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, you may resent them for causing you pain or for leaving you. We then feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us angrier.

 

BARGAINING

This is our way of wanting to go back in time before your loved one’s death.

 

You will probably think and say a lot of “if only’s”.  This is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability and is often a need to regain control.

 

DEPRESSION

Depression is an appropriate response to a great loss.

 

The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual.

 

During this stage, we can withdraw from life, we can feel constantly sad, we may start wondering about what life is all about anyway.

 

This is the time when you are seeking reassurance from others, we need people to help us, be nice to us or simply give us a hug.

 

ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case.

 

Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one.

 

This stage is about accepting the reality that your loved one is physically gone and recognising that this new reality is the permanent reality. You may never like this reality or think it is OK, but eventually you accept it.  You learn to live with it.

 

In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. 

 

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As you begin to live again and enjoy your life, you often feel that in doing so, you are betraying your loved one.  But remember that you can never replace what has been lost, but you can make new connections and new meaningful relationships.

 

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it will only prolong the natural process of healing.

 

If you are struggling with your grief and need to talk to a specialised grief counsellor, contact me now.