How to cope on Mother’s Day if your Mum has passed away

DEALING WITH YOUR MOTHER’S DEATH ON MOTHER’S DAY

While many families will be spending Mother’s Day celebrating the mother-child bond in parks, homes and restaurants across the country, many men and women this year will be reminded of their own mother who has passed away.

For those who have experienced the death of your Mum, Mother’s Day can be a particularly painful day.  It is true that every day without Mum around anymore can hurt, but the second Sunday in May presents a barrage of advertisements, videos, special offers and gift ideas that you cannot escape for weeks leading up to it. Mother’s Day can be a catalyst for heightened grief, sadness and loneliness.  There is always a piece of you that is missing, and this day reinforces that loss.

How to cope on Mother’s Day

Preparing in advance is key to surviving emotionally charged days such as Mother’s Day. Without a plan, you may feel more anxious in the lead up to the day, and then feel helpless when Sunday the 13^th arrives. If you know what you are going to do with the day, you have a crux, something you can cling to if you do fall apart (which is completely ok too).

Here are some ways you may plan to spend the day:

• Some cemeteries have special Mother’s Day memorial services. This offers a way to be close to your Mum, be around other people who are in the same situation as you, and it gives you a purpose for the day – it makes you wake up, get dressed up and venture out, which can be so great for the soul.

• Do something that would honour your Mum, for example, if she loved having a garden and beautiful flowers, plant something in her honour. That way when you watch the plant grow, you will think of your Mum.

• Remember what you and your Mum enjoyed doing together and go do that – either by yourself or with a friend, partner or family member. For some it will be browsing markets, for others it will be going to the cinema or baking up a storm. Take the time to remember and be thankful for the moments that made you smile and shaped who you are today.

• Spend time in a place that was special to your Mum. This will help you feel closer to her.

• Take a trip down memory lane by pulling out old photos of her or going through items you have from your Mum such as her jewellery, her craft or her clothes. Perhaps you may find a beautiful photo of your Mum that you can get framed and put up on the wall so you can see her every day.  This may be highly emotional and difficult for you, but if you plan to take the space needed and if you let yourself be in the moment, it can be very uplifting.

• Writing is a widely recognised therapeutic exercise, so write a letter or card to your Mum and express your feelings this way. No one else has to see it. There are even websites these days where you can write a letter to your future self. You may want to write down all your feelings from today and your hopes for the future, and send yourself the letter to open this time next year.

• Keep busy. There’s less chance of letting your mind wander into dark places if you’re clearing, sorting, vacuuming, tossing and wiping down areas around the house. With some music or a podcast on, you may even find yourself renewed with energy.

Grief is normal and okay

This year is the first Mother’s Day without my own Mum around. My mother passed away last July and while I have dealt with the various milestones since her passing – her birthday, Christmas and Easter, and managed to get through these days pretty well, Mother’s Day is the day I am absolutely dreading. I may be a counsellor, but I’m human too.

If you find it hard to watch the endless TV commercials, cringe at the catalogues telling you what to buy your Mum for Mother’s Day and your stomach turns when people ask you what you’re doing for Mother’s Day, I feel your pain. I have been struggling with this myself. But for me this means it’s time to put all the coping strategies I recommend to my clients into practice. It means reminding myself that these feelings will pass again and it means knowing that however I feel and whatever happens next Sunday, it’s okay. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with grief as long as it is dealt with in a healthy and respectful manner (so don’t go on a pub crawl – unless you and your Mum used to do that together!)

My Mum was not perfect but she was my Mum and my best friend.  She lives on in my heart and I keep her memory alive by sharing her stories, remembering the silly things she said and did, having a positive attitude, being the person she wanted me to be, and living up to the values and morals that she instilled in me.  In all these ways, I believe I am honouring her, and you can do the same for your Mum.

This Mother’s Day, remember the special moments you shared with the woman who knew you more than anyone else, remember what you loved about her, but also remember to look after and love yourself.