How to talk about sexual abuse
Tips for speaking up about sexual abuse
As a society, we don’t really have an issue talking about house burglaries, car theft or assault, so it’s with great sadness that I see clients hesitant to talk about their experience with crime when it’s in the form of sexual abuse.
Why it’s hard to talk about sexual abuse
While some will perceive there is a societal stigma attached to sexual abuse, often the main reason people don’t want to talk about it is because sexual abuse is not just a momentary physical act that starts and ends like it does with other crimes.
Whether it’s over a period of minutes, hours, weeks, months or years, sexual abuse not only physically or emotionally hurts in that moment, it also robs victims of innocence, disrupts a sense of control or ownership of self, and steals a level of trust that we’re born with.
When your innocence has been stolen, and when your trust is broken, being vulnerable and speaking up about intimate moments involving sexual acts, degrading language or physical assault is next to impossible. But speaking up is exactly what’s needed to help move forward on a personal level, and it may also be necessary at the legal level for a conviction or arrest.
3 tips to talking about sexual abuse
To help get you started with talking about sexual abuse to friends, family, colleagues or counsellors, I have outlined my top 3 tips to speaking about sexual abuse:
- Understand the experience is a crime carried out by another person, and was out of your control.
I absolutely believe you need to start here before you can talk about it. By realising and believing this, you can distance yourself from any of the emotions that can impact on your ability to tell your story. Yes, you may still harbour guilt, shame or a sense of it being your fault, but if you can’t push these to one side to share your experience, it is all too common that you will warp your story with adding supposed innuendos or invitations.
When you understand that any form of unwanted sexual attention is criminal, then you should be able to start speaking like a victim of a crime, just like you would if your home was broken into or you were coward punched on the street.
- You don’t have to start at the beginning. Just start.
It’s not uncommon for me to see a new client who feels they need to justify why they stayed so long in an abusive relationship, or start at the beginning of the story when everything was rosy. This form of topping and tailing a story with a clear introduction and conclusion sort of controls the narrative, and loses the heart of the story.
I want you to know that real life doesn’t always have a clear start to a story with a climax and ending. It doesn’t have to have the hero and a villain. Life is messy, and intertwined with other messy chapters, and characters come in and out of it. So one way to share your experience of sexual abuse is to just say something. It could be about the bruise on your shoulder right now, or how a song triggers a reminder of your childhood abuse. You don’t have to package up a story for anyone.
- Ask questions instead of making statements.
For some people, directly stating what’s happened to them is just too hard. Trauma is very real and takes a long time to work through. If speaking up seems impossible, try asking questions to either close loved ones or professionals to help you get out what you’re feeling inside.
An example might be to say to a friend “Do you ever feel like you just can’t be yourself at home?” or “Do you worry about children in the care of a babysitter or relative?”. These can be prompters to help friends probe further, and in turn, gives you a reason for sharing.
If you’re sitting with a counsellor you might say, “How do women get over sexual abuse?” or “How do you know if you’ve been sexually assaulted?”
By asking questions, you can act like you’re just curious or simply ‘asking for a friend’, while fact finding for next steps. The good thing with this format is that it often prompts the other party to try and help further.
Seeking professional support
Friends, family and colleagues can be a wealth of support when you need to start opening up about sexual abuse, but often while they can lend their ear to get things off your chest or mind, they simply don’t know what to say in response. Many informal supports can worry about saying something to make the situation worse in some way, or not saying enough.
I specialise in the recovery from sexual abuse and trauma, whether it was a once off assault or an ongoing experience, and despite whether it happened three decades ago or yesterday. In our traditional room consultation or our park-based walk and talk sessions, I draw on my professional resources and strategies to help you speak up and move forward, but I also bring with me an innate understanding of the emotional consequences that come with it. It’s a safe and secure environment where you can learn to be vulnerable again.
I encourage you to email me colleen@new.lifestylecounsellingservices.com.au today for a confidential consultation.