Feeling sad or lonely this Christmas?
Not all Christmases are merry and bright – here’s why it’s normal to feel this and how to survive the festive season guilt-free
If Christmas is giving you heart palpitations, a pit in your stomach or bringing tears to your eyes, I want you to know one thing: you are not alone, and this is completely normal.
It may seem that everyone around you is excited about travelling, buying and receiving gifts, catching up with friends and loved ones, having guests over and cooking a traditional Christmas dinner, but I can assure you that so many of us are also:
- Worried about affording the financial expenses of gifts, food and entertainment
- Feeling stressed about seeing a family member or friend of a friend that we have had a falling out with or simply don’t like
- Grieving a loved one who has passed away
- Feeling lonely and missing family who are not close
- Anxious about going to the shops and dealing with car park and trolley conflicts and battling busy shops
- Nervous that guests will not think highly of the home, clutter, cleanliness or hospitality during their visit
- Feeling isolated from work colleagues or hobby club members who may be the closest contacts in their lives
- And there’s 100+ other scenarios that could cause you to be feeling sad, lonely, angry or frustrated this Christmas…
Why you’re feeling sad this Christmas
There’s a few reasons why it’s normal that feelings of sadness, anxiety and anger are heightened at Christmas.
Nostalgia, grief and memories can come bubbling to the surface because Christmas is such a defined and unique period of time every year. You may not remember what happened in April or August two years ago, but it’s fairly easy to recall what you were doing, who you were with and where you were at Christmas two years ago.
This recall is what can trigger further thoughts into people, events and places in your life, and not all of these will be fond memories. This trigger can exacerbate past trauma, heighten guilt, induce remorse or incite anger. Perhaps you remember you told your late nanna you would take up dance lessons and never did, there could have been an argument over a sensitive family matter through the year, or maybe last December was the last time you got to say “Merry Christmas” to a loved one. Memories are something that when happy are a wonderful gift we are given through life, but when sad – they can be utterly crippling.
Expectation is another cause for sadness and loneliness at Christmas. Movies, news segments, television shows, Instagram, Facebook, magazines and even bus shelters are reminding us that this is a happy time of year with images of perfectly themed Christmas trees and centerpieces, chances to get great sales at the shops and the opportunity to show off your cooking skills with beautifully presented Christmas roasts and pavlovas. This seems to set a precedent or expectation that this is how it should be.
Expectations can affect what you think you should spend on gifts, what to serve up for a Christmas meal, how the home should look for visitors and so much more. We do it every day!
But what happens when expectations are unmet? There is a sense of failure and guilt, even if the variables were completely out of your control. For example, you can envision a happy family reunion on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, but if your son has been laid off at work or your daughter isn’t sleeping due to a new baby in the house, then they are going to be bringing their own attitudes to the reunion that will affect your expectations. Even if they are out of your control, you are going to come off feeling less than satisfied because the day fell short of your expectation.
How to cope with Christmas if you’re not feeling very merry
Now that you know it’s completely normal to be feeling sad at Christmas, I want you to remove any expectation that you may have of needing to feel happy and cheerful this time of year- because you now know that if this isn’t met, it’s just wasted energy.
Here are some more tips you might want to consider to help you manage your feelings of sadness, isolation or stress this Christmas:
- If your usual networks of people are all away over the holiday, and you want to be around people but don’t know where to go, look at where people will be on Christmas Day that you can visit – spend your time taking home made gifts or cards to aged care facilities or hospitals, head down to the beach for a swim or the park for a walk, ask in Facebook groups where you can help volunteer (the larger charities often fill up their volunteer spaces in advance but local small charities or not for profit groups could really use your help) or similarly, use these groups to see if anyone else is going to be alone over Christmas and would like a visit from you – you might be surprised at the community spirit you receive!
- If this is the first Christmas you are experiencing without a family member or loved one, this will be a particularly difficult time for you, and that is okay to acknowledge. In the lead up to Christmas, you may like to mention this to people around you so that they are mindful of your mental health over this period. On the day you may want to raise a toast with their favorite beverage, share fond memories or write a letter to them and tuck it away. Some people also leave a chair and place setting at the dinner table in memory of them. As your first Christmas without your loved one, there is no way of knowing how you will feel, but just know it’s okay to miss them, cry and smile at the memories. One thing to consider also is that everyone grieves differently, so it’s possible your way of coping will be different to another family member’s and this may be worth expressing also if there is any conflict here.
- If you’re worried about finances, guests or having the home looking ‘Christmassy’, then the first place is to set a realistic budget and to-do list. Write down what your personal must-haves are. It may be gifts for the children and your parents, or you might want to have the back yard looking manicured because you know that’s where everyone will congregate for the day. Once you know your essentials, you can focus your time and energy on the top few priorities, and the rest becomes just ‘nice to haves’. Consider what you already have in the household when it comes to catering for guests or gifting friends. People genuinely love gifts made with love! It’s also very okay to let people know finances or time has been tight this time of year to set a benchmark, because at the heart of it all, we’re all human and we’ve all experienced the same thing as some point.
The festive season isn’t always the Christmas Cracker it claims to be. Yes, for some this really is a magical time of year to unwind from work and reunite with family, but if you’re not feeling it, you certainly don’t have to!
Together we can startle the stereotype and help more people feeling sad or lonely this Christmas realise that it’s normal and that they’re not alone. I encourage you to share this post and create our own sense of community this Christmas.