Sexual Healing

How to regain intimacy after sexual abuse

There’s no relationship more personal than the one we have with our bodies, and even more intimate, is our sexuality.

Sexuality defines our desires and attraction to others and impacts our thoughts, emotions and behaviours in relation to sexual activity. It is shaped and carved out over many years, sometimes even decades, as we pursue our own journey of understanding what it is that gives us pleasure.

Sexuality is as much a part of us as our name or DNA, so when someone’s sexuality has been compromised through sexual abuse or assault, it can take some time to heal and rediscover pleasure in its most intimate form. But I assure you, if you have experienced unwanted sexual advances or activity in the past, you don’t have to let it define your future.

4 steps you can take to reclaiming your sexuality

1.   Take Time

Sexual abuse is far more sinister than the physicality of being touched, fondled, hurt or penetrated. This is because sexuality is not only our physical reproductive organs and responses, but it is also made up heavily of our emotions and psychological thought processes. When someone is assaulted or abused sexually, the abuse can continue long after the attacker has left because the mind and heart have been abused as well, and there’s no band-aid for this sort of trauma.

My first recommendation to clients is to take time out and work on the trauma first. Triggers and flashbacks are common with sexual assault victims, which can last for months or years if it is not appropriately managed. Your physical and mental well-being must be your priority.

2.   Talk

Talking is the next step to healing and should really be concurrent with taking time for yourself. Professional support is critical. There are a number of ways you can access professional services including:

• 24 hour hotlines – these are great for when you need immediate support and want to be anonymous.
• Forums – these are helpful when you want to feel connected to others who have been through what you have, even if is just to read and not contribute
• Counselling – some counsellors like myself specialise in sexual abuse and trauma and have an innate understanding of the complexities that follow an assault. Counsellors will address the situation itself, making sure to remove any secrecy or stigma you have around it, and start the healing and recovery process with you. They are right there with you.
• Friends, family, partner – while friends and family may not know how they can help you, by sharing your experience, your worry, your hurt or your anger, you start to unpack your emotions in a warm and familiar environment.

3.   Start Small

If and when you are ready to become sexual again, it is important to start small, and I always encourage this to be done in a safe, respectful, committed relationship. If you are single I recommend dating and working through the below steps. It can be so much harder to overcome sexual abuse if you are looking to have one night stands or casual sexual partners because you cannot form trust or respect in just a few hours.

If you feel you are ready psychologically please know that touch, scent, music and language can trigger flashbacks or panic attacks and put you right back where you don’t want to be. Starting small helps you ease into feeling confident again, bit by bit.

I suggest starting with hugs and holding hands, and when this feels safe and nice, touching each other’s arms and thighs. At first, you may want to ask your partner to not touch you back, while you get comfortable having control over the situation. Always have a limit in the early days. Tell your partner you will just touch each other’s skin and not remove clothes or go any further, or that you would like to kiss but not touch each other yet. Know what you want and say it. Stop there even if you want to go further. Baby steps are key to long term recovery.

4.   Self-pleasure

Start with being comfortable naked – walk from the shower to your bedroom without a towel on, or sleep in the nude. Being comfortable in your skin starts with seeing your skin, and realising you’ve got this body of yours for years and decades to come. Start loving it again.

Exploring your body again in your own space and on your own terms gives you the chance to reconnect with your body and know that touch can be both pleasurable and safe. Find out what you like, and what you don’t like. If you don’t like the way something feels, try to identify why. Have you always disliked that touch or is this new? If it’s new, raise this with a professional so you can work through it and try and enjoy it like you once did.

The immediate days and weeks after sexual abuse can leave victims feeling extremely uncomfortable with the notion of sex for pleasure. Some words I hear in my sessions include ‘asexual’, ‘dirty’, ‘empty’, ‘broken’ and ‘disgusting’. But when these words are replaced throughout the recovery journey with ‘comfortable’, ‘confident’, ‘natural’, ‘normal’, and ‘pleasurable’, I know your sexuality has been reclaimed.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual abuse or assault, contact me for a free 10 minute phone consultation to see how counselling could support you.